Helpful Information For Men

My friend Theresa, over at Flying Piggies, posted today about "Classes for Men": trotting out such stereotypes as: men can't as for directions, men won't fill up the ice cube trays, etc. I dropped her a few in return as comments, but I thought I'd post some TRULY useful information for men over here. (Yes, these are just as stereotypical as hers, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander.)

Womanese Translations

When She Says... = She Really Means...

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot